One question:
WHY DOES T.O. NEED HIS OWN SHOW??????
Don't come near me, I'm breathing fire, folks!
-LL
Look at this man. Does he look like he needs any more cotton-pickin' attention?????
*sigh*
The end."
It's so bittersweet, you know?
I don't have very much to say here. I have a feeling I'm going to be deleting this journal soon, though. I'm so unfair to it - I prefer my paper journal to my online one, and so it never gets the recognition or the attention it deserves. Plus it wastes space and data... *sigh*
You understand my dilemma, right?
If you want to read one of the most heart-rending goodbyes ever, read this: The Conservative Cat . It made me cry. But then again, after that great memorial service for the King of Pop , I've been a bit depressed. *shrug*
I'm a little too unstable to think rationally at the moment, but since I've provided you with plenty of thought-provoking material, as well as a couple of links, my mission is fulfilled.
And so we have reached
The end.
Beautiful, isn't it?
-LL
On Yahoo!News this morning, I saw this article that is very interesting: "Wish Fulfillment? No. But Dreams (and Sleep) Have Meaning"
http://news.yahoo.com/s/time/20090616/hl
The article is incredible - in a way I never really thought about, I have a very tangible control of my emotions.
The more I sleep, the more perceptive to happiness I am, and summarily, the less I sleep, the more threatening the world around me seems.
"Past research by Walker and colleagues at Harvard Medical School, which was published in the journal Current Biology, found that in people who were sleep deprived, activity in the prefrontal lobe - a region of the brain involved in controlling emotion - was significantly diminished. He suggests that a similar response may be occurring in the nap-deprived volunteers, albeit to a lesser extent, and that it may have its roots in evolution. "If you're walking through the jungle and you're tired, it might benefit you more to be hypersensitive to negative things," he says. The idea is that with little mental energy to spare, you're emotionally more attuned to things that are likely to be the most threatening in the immediate moment. Inversely, when you're well rested, you may be more sensitive to positive emotions, which could benefit long-term survival, he suggests: "If it's getting food, if it's getting some kind of reward, finding a wife - those things are pretty good to pick up on." (paragraph 3)
This example is genius as well, making the entire idea very easy for my elementary brain to understand. When I get more sleep I'll thus tune into the positive side of life, and be more likely to attain positive results.
Later on in the article it is mentioned (in paragraph 7) that when you don't reach the REM cycle or it isn't sustained, your body is in a "constant state of anxiety" (Matthew Walker).
So what does this mean? Well, you can control a great deal of your life through your sleep patterns. When I study for my final exams, I don't stay up all night for them (unlike the college-kid stereotypes), I merely study throughout the day and go to sleep at my usual time, around 9.30 or 10. When I wake up in the morning, I study a little more and then go to the exam. And when I get there, I'm not a nervous wreck. I'm concerned, but I'm not a bundle of nerves who forgot to brush her hair or only put make-up on one eye (ooh, is that another college-kid stereotype? it sounds familiar from someplace... hmm...). And I have NEVER failed an exam.
That anecdote is based solely on personal experience. I don't know if you're one of those nocturnal people who stays up all night and is completely rejuvinated in the morning, who has a memory like a steel trap and knows everything inside and out... whatever. All I'm saying is this is big, folks.
If not getting any REM sleep creates anxiety, though, maybe it is good for test-taking?
Nerves provide me with energy. They work for me. It's when I don't have them, when I feel at ease, that I get worried. ~Mike Nichols It's been my experience that to do something important without nervousness is silly, if not impossible. There are some things that you just need nerves for, because without them you're prone to missing a detail, being unprepared for disaster, etc. And if you can program yourself to be watching for something bad, you can avoid it.
So, maybe it's a good idea to miss a little sleep before opening night of the school play? But tuck in for your full eight hours on the night before your wedding. =)
-LL
(That's 'off the chain' for you hipsters out there, heheheh.)
Definitely getting my connection back with God, praise Him,
Plus I'm doing everything I needed to get done, and that's always great.
So, if in the first week of my summer break, I get my entire to do list scratched off,
What should I do for the REST of the time?
Heheh.
Good news is that my dresses are all getting modestly lengthened, so I won't be walking around like a hooker.
Lord, that was embarrassing.
And I'm going to see my boyfriend this Saturday, so I'll have something to do rather than eat and watch TV and pull my own hair out.
My brother is gone for the weekend at Disneyland (or is it Disneyworld? I'm horrible at these things) which has provided all of us sane people with peace and quiet, and in turn he gets to loose all of his pent-up energy and frustration in the Rodent Playground.
Thank God for small wonders.
In other news...
God is just so wonderful. I'm blown away today, especially, just because I've been blessed with plenty of opportunities to serve him in new ways!
The Avenue D Girls Choir (yes, you heard me right, GIRLS) had their first meeting yesterday, and I am OFFICIALLY A MEMBER!!! My dream come true, I can serve my Father and have a great time simultaneously! Haha!
My boyfriend is a Godsend as well, even though it's come with a price; he doesn't talk to my best friend anymore, which is a bit awkward, but he's only 18 so he doesn't know how immature he is. And I very well can't bruise his ego by informing him thus. I just love talking to him; he is a great kid trying to make a difference in himself and in the world.
I'm getting interviewed by a reporter about the Girls Choir soon! Crunch time; I have to be very truthful and respectful, and say the right things. Miss Mary is counting on me, so I cannot disappoint, and the Lord has given me a very important job!
God has also provided me with a guide in Miss Mary, and I want to take advantage of that as much as I can. I just pray that the Lord guide my steps when I am in her presence and also when I am without her, that I can make good decisions to bring me closer to God's will.
A great new band: Phoenix. New to me, not new to the world. They're French, and have a delightful sound remeniscent of Keane and Metro Station combined. Check them out on YouTube!
-LL
Made something pretty today: 
What do you think?
I have no idea who she is, but she's very beautiful, no? =)
-LL
A lot of bad things have been happening since the economy tanked. Yeah, yeah, say what you will: "But, the economy hasn't tanked; it's on the rebound, haven't you listened to the news?" or, my personal favorite, "You know, we had it coming since we elected Dubya..." Whatever. Keep your criticisms to yourself until I'm finished? Thanks. No, I agree that things have gotten a little shaky with the recent presidential swap-out and the big boys upstairs finally paying the piper for being embezzlers. And if you watch the news, you'll hear almost every week about another poor guy who blew his brains out after killing his whole family because he couldn't pay his bills or lost his job. If you're like my father, you're sitting in a dark room with the television on 24/7, mumbling apocalyptic hogwash like "It's the end of the world, kids", "Let's buy a gun", or"Obama is the anti-Christ, look what he's doing to America, you're gonna have it really rough when you grow up."
Well, Dad, you know I love ya, but give it a rest. Can't you see the bigger picture here? God placed this event in our laps, as surely as he pressed the Babylonians into Jerusalem (Jeremiah [pretty much the whole book]) and delivered the Israelites from Egypt (Exodus 12-). I mean, why else would the church have strengthened so much during these times? Why did 9/11, the war in Iraq, rising gas prices (I know it sounds trivial, but bear with me), global warming, teenage sex scandals (Vanessa Hudgens and Miley Cyrus, anyone?), the degradation of American teenagers (listen to Lil Wayne, Ludacris, and Plies and you'll see what I mean. I'm not even going to broach the topic of the pants-down-to-the-knees either), and the insanely bi-partisan state of America today, all happen? Why would a good God let Caylee Anthony die? Why would a good God let our sons, brothers, fathers, and lovers die overseas? Why would a good God let people steal from one another? The answer, my children, is simply so that He could deliver us.
This country, this world, was in need of a 'spring cleaning', if you will. Out with the cobwebs of hatred and immorality, in with the fresh citrus-y scent of love and fellowship, now with 99.9% more protection from homicide, suicide, and genocide bacteria. That's the power of Pine-Sol, baby. God loves us as a race so much that He's willing to let us suffer as a learning experience, so that by the time we do come back to Him, it's with that much more reverence, respect, and adoration.
I think that God threw the recession our way because we needed it. Nothing else seemed to phase us; the war was no biggie, we got over 9/11, we easily slipped back into the rut of personal and community disrespect. Honestly, look at yourself in a mirror today. If your posture isn't screaming "I don't care", God bless you for being a stronger person than most of us. Who had the energy, the time, heck, the guts to pick up trash around school or work a year ago? And who isn't going the extra mile now, now that paychecks are getting a little lenient and the personal satisfaction one gets from such a simple task can actually make your day? God knows I don't miss a chance. What else is going to make me feel good if I don't, in this world of triviality? Everything we knew is now under review. So we need to take what we feel is true and go with it; that's where knowing God comes in.
God will tell you what to do. He will lead you in every pursuit, guide you with His truth. Ezekiel 34: "I will make an agreement of peace with my sheep and will remove harmful animals from the land. Then the sheep will live safely in the desert and sleep in the woods." -God will remove the obstacles from your path that will hurt you, and give you a safe place to live. "I will bless them and let them live around my hill. I will cause th rains to come when it is time; there will be showers to bless them." -God will provide for you a place close to Him, where you will have everything you need. Everything. Keep listening. "Also the trees in the countryside will give their fruit, and the land will give its harvest. And the sheep will be safe on their land. Then they will know that I am the Lord when I break the bars of their captivity and save them from the power of those who made them slaves." -Sound familiar? God will save you from the power of those who made you a slave. You will no longer be a slave to money, to clothing, to your mortgage, to school, to work... whatever holds you in bondage He will free you from. That's what this is all about. God is freeing all of us from the bondage of this world so that we can learn how to prepare for the next. A beautiful revelation.
I want to do more than pick up trash around my school. I want to do more than sit around and blog about God. I want to be Him. I want to be an image of Jesus; I want to heal, I want to baptize, I want to minister, I want to preach, I want to carry MY cross to Calvary and sacrifice all of my sins. I want to call Satan a liar and spit at his feet. I want to be "Rabbi, Teacher". "A student should be satisfied to become like his teacher; a servant should be satisfied to become like his master" (Matthew 10:25). And I'll do whatever it takes to accomplish that goal. Whatever it takes.
-LL
God gives everyone a gift. For people like Martin Luther King Jr. and Dr. Earl Hendricks, it's being a brilliant orator. For Robert Plant and Vincent Van Gogh, it's being a masterful artist. For Stephen King and Alan Moore, it's making people think. For me, I suppose it's wielding words. I mean, come on, have you ever heard someone use the word "wielding" in a sentence that doesn't relate to Xena: Warrior Princess or World of Warcraft (WOW to it's dedicated brain-zombies)?? =) I was born to use words. I suppose that is my gift. But I don't think that's really the purpose for which I exist.
How does one find this purpose? Well, Romans 12 says that people must "offer your bodies as living sacrifices, holy and pleasing to God - that is your spiritual act of worship" (NIV). The ultimate sacrifice. A friend once asked me, "would you give your life for me?" I said yes immediately. She then countered "how about for a complete stranger?" I thought about it. "Yes." I suppose that comes with the realization that I live for other people; my life is not really my own. It all belongs to Him who created me, to God. He put me here; it is only natural that I do His bidding, right? And as far as my life is concerned, I owe it to Him completely.
Think about it: last time I wrote a Biblical reflection it had sort of the same message. God gave His son for us, gave another man's life for us, accepting us even though He knew we were gonna screw up again, we were going to fall, we were going to disobey Him over and over again. Regardless, we were saved. And no matter how hard you try, there is NO WAY that you will ever be able to pay that back. God has given us more than we can ever fathom. So we should strive to obey His commands, as we are indebted to His love for us.
Giving your life as a "living sacrifice" means that you give up everything that stands between you and God. Every magazine, every Saturday morning cartoon, every vice you know is keeping you from Him: friends, lovers, habits, likes, dislikes, moods... everything. And if you're willing to do that; if you could go up to God right now and give Him the down payment on your eternal life with all the saints in Heaven, you'll have smooth sailing from here on out.'
No one ever said you wouldn't make mistakes. No one said it wouldn't be hard. But as my friend Jon so delicately phrased it, "Love goes with pain." Without God's love, you feel no pain. Without your love for him, you can sink deeper and deeper into sin and deceit without remorse. God knows I did. But He brought me back with his love. Yeah, I get hurt sometimes. Heck, I hurt a lot! I hurt myself because I never really think I'm good enough to receive all of these blessings He's given me and will continue to give. But that hurt comes with the most incredible experience of love that I have ever felt. An aching, bleeding, wholly consuming love that nothing else will ever compare to. Nothing in my lifetime, at least.
So since I'm working on giving my body to the Lord, I guess it comes time to ask Him what He commands.
Dear God,
I'm just wondering what you have planned for me. I mean, I'm not trying to rush you or anything. But it would be cool to know... You know, just between you and me. No strings attached. =) Right?
WRONG!!! Of course there are strings attached!! Remember, you owe God your life! So yeah, I guess you could call that debt a string. And the fact that you just gave Him your body means something too. If He tells you to move to Cambodia and be a lobster catcher for the rest of your life, would you just say "No, thanks, I'm good here. Really. But it was a nice offer." No, you wouldn't do that. Because you have to trust that God has something better in store for you! Your faith is your strongest weapon, your shield of faith, if you've ever heard that saying before. With faith you can climb Mount Everest in a bikini, you can leave 10 minutes late for work and still get there on time, you can go to bed miserable and wake up ecstatic. Your faith right now is telling you that all of those things are true.
God wants all of our bodies, all of our pain, all of our joy, every part of us, to work His miracles on the world. Hey, don't you want a better economy? Don't you want world-wide peace? Don't you want a media that's safe for all ages, friends who never cut you down, marriages that always work the first time? Well, step right up, all it costs is your body, mind, and soul to God. And in return he'll give you a ticket stub with "his good, pleasing, and perfect will" written right there to remind you what your mission is, and John 3:16 on the back to remind you what's in store. Salvation? Why yes, I'd love some.
Jesus, Lord of our hearts and minds, you came down to the Earth knowing your mission from when you were born. And you were the best example of giving ourselves completely to God; as a man you walked in ways that made other people quake with fear, ridicule you with harsh words, look up to you in love. You sacrificed your life for us today, even though you didn't want to experience pain, death, Hell, because of your Father's love for us and for you. And as a result we can stand today and praise your Holy name, because our lives are indebted to you. Lord, we give you our hearts; guide them to achieve your perfect love. We give you our hands; let them heal every broken heart and beaten body on this earth. We give you our tongues; let them speak your divine wisdom and eternal glory. We entrust to you our souls, that one day we may join you in Heaven above, a full life lived entirely for you. What's in the past is in the past as far as our sin; let us look now to the future, where you wait with arms wide open, the greeter for your Father's kingdom. Amen.
"Just as each of us has one body with many members, and these members do not all have the same function, so in Christ we who are many form one body, and each member belongs to all the others. We have different gifts, according to the grace given us." (NIV)
Romans 12:4-6
-LL
I'm finna take it to the tip top, baby!
I love Common.
But I hate the word "finna".
Soooo....
Yeeeeeaaaaaaahhhhh...
Here's the new Bible verse on my wall:
"If you love me, you will obey what I command. And I will ask the Father, and he will give you another Counselor to be with you forever -- the Spirit of truth. The world cannot accept him, because it neither sees him nor knows him. But you know him, for he lives with you and will be in you. I will not leave you as orphans; I will come to you. Before long, the world will not see me anymore, but you will see me. Because I live, you also will live. On that day you will realize that I am in my Father, and you are in me, and I am in you. Whoever has my commands and obeys them, he is the one who loves me. He who will loves me will be loved by my Father, and I too will love him and show myself to him."
-John 14: 15-21
So, of course this is Jesus speaking to his disciples. For anyone who knows the Scriptures, this scene occurrs after Jesus anoints the disciples' feet, and he then begins to speak of his betrayal, his death, and his tie to the disciples. This section, however, particularly touched me. It's depressing, but the whole idea of leaving your twelve best friends, and the trials that were to come to all of them, would be a downer to anybody. The third and fourth sentences of the above passages affected me the most.
"The world cannot accept him, because it neither sees him nor knows him. But you know him, for he lives with you and will be in you."
That's the majority of verse 17 right there. The world cannot accept him... what does that mean, exactly? Does it have something to do with an unworthiness of the world to accept something divine? Or is it the world's refusal to accept the Holy Spirit? I believe it is a little of both. You see, the whole reason Jesus came to the earth in the first place, the reason he was born, the reason he lived among sinners, the reason he died... It was all for the forgiveness of sins. Our sins. We, as God's fallen children, were impure.
"We died to sin; how can we live in it any longer? Or don't you know that all of us who were baptized into Christ Jesus were baptized into his death? We were therefore buried with him through baptism into death in order that, just as Christ was raised from the dad through the glory of the Father, we too may live a new life. If we have been united with him like this in his death, we will certainly also be united with him in his resurrection. For we know that our old self was crucified with him so that the body of sin might be done away with, that we should no longer be slaves to sin - because anyone who has died has been freed from sin."
When Jesus died, he took our sins with him to the grave. He took them to hell, and spent three days down there, engulfed in every sin of the world, until his Father took him back to Heaven with him. Three pain-filled, agonizing, terrifying days. After that, we were saved. Saved in the body and blood of Jesus the Christ.
There's only one problem with this: in John 14, Jesus hasn't died yet. He doesn't die until John 19. So for those 5 chapters, the world is still consumed in sin! So, going all the way back to the original issue, the world doesn't "see or know" the Holy Spirit because it is consumed by the sinful nature of itself. The Catholics believe that every person is born with original sin - not even a child is completely pure. And consequently, one's body is always ruled by sin. It is the mind which Jesus desires; the only part of you that you can truly devote to God.
The world wasn't deserving of the Holy Spirit before the crucifixion of Jesus. Afterwards, however, the world was a little more worthy of God's gift. The question, now, was would the world want it?
Look at the earth today. We are consumed by materialism, prejudice, hatred, and sin. We are a "body of death", as Paul writes to the Romans (6:24), in that we are so controlled by sin. But in these weeds, there still grow the flowers of God's love, and His truths. They are buried among us, making an appearance everey so often. That kid helping a little old lady across the street. Your neighbors bringing you chicken soup when you're sick. The friends who stick by you no matter what. They are evidence that Christ still lives, still loves, within us. And as long as there is still one person who's going to let their light shine, that's enough. It shows that we're not afraid to try to make a difference. It's enough to give us the Spirit as our guide. At least, until Christ comes again.
-LL
I'm a big advocate for "think happy thoughts and everything will be fine", but not even my sunny disposition will give my family happiness. It's crazy. I can't believe how jaded I was/am because I live at home and up until last year, I'd been getting everything I'd ever asked for. Spoiled? Definitely. Lost? A little bit. I'm not sure what to do now; should I join everyone else in the world who's sliding downhill and being miserable? Or should I take this newfound awareness and somehow apply it to my candy-coated life?
Big Boi phrases things very well. He makes the mistake of supporting Obama in there, but other than that it's a good song for what's going on right now.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ECD9nw4sq
-LL
I'm listening to "They Remenisce Over You" by C.L. Smooth and Pete Rock. It's one of those old school raps with a real story to it; that's what rap used to be about and now it's become a meaningless way to brag about one's accomplishments. It's kind of funny; they're so proud of the things that get them killed. But back to the song... I love this one. It's a great sax line mixed with mellow vocals, a verve-like background tone going on, and a smooth flow that so far (to me) is unrivaled. If you ever listen to the song, just listening, not making commentary on it or anything, you'd like it. It's peaceful. Perfect to write to. The farthest thing from some of the obnoxious rap that's around today. There are some songs from back when rap was young that I really enjoy like that. It's special to me; I wasn't alive for these songs, so when I hear them it's with a degree of respect for what they were and are. They've been forgotten by the new generation for blaring computerized sounds and sex, and it's cool to sit around and listen to each song; they're still alive. Not forgotten.
I woke up this morning at 4 AM, afraid. I had a dream that a close friend had left me. We were somewhere together, and I was suddenly alone. No matter where I looked I couldn't find him. It really bothered me, and it's been on my mind still. My good friend Vincent left this morning to join the Border Patrol in Washington state. Last night I said my goodbye with some other friends. It was painful for me; he introduced me to virtually all of the friends I call mine today. He was always kind, always centered, always there. It's going to be weird to see someone else playing his drumset, to see an empty parking space where his truck used to sit. I miss him horribly. Vincent wasn't the one in my dream, but his leaving has me a bit paranoid, I guess. My worst fear is to be left alone, and Vincent was so special, now I feel vulnerable. I don't want to say anything about the dream to anyone, just in case they read too much into it and think I'm insane (hey, it happens!), but I wish I could talk to someone about it. What is it that makes me so attached to other people?
I'm on Day 3 of my 21-day purification fast. It's called the David Fast, because it's the fast that David went on in the Bible. He didn't eat meat, bread, or sugar for 3 weeks, and my best friend's pastor encouraged me to do it. In honor of the New Year, he said. I have other reasons that I'm starting the fast; I'm finished with all of the sins that had been holding me back for so long. I've been so wrapped up in cursing and sex and materialism that I've lost sight of God and what He really means to me. I'm sick of submitting to temporary pleasures and finding no fulfillment afterwards. I'm ready to move on to a more centered and worshipful life, and it's starting now, this week, that I'm moving forward. I feel wonderfully free, like I've shed the chains holding me to this world. After I move into my new place I'm going to give away all of my unnecessary possessions and work on building my devotion to Jesus.
This entry was weird; hopefully everything will return to normal once I get out of this melancholy mood. =)
-LL
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